How to choose what you need for a baby

It can be a bit of a minefield to choose baby items, with magazines and websites throwing lists in your faces and every other youtube video seeming to show completely conflicting items on the must have/don't buy lists.

The problem is that everyone else is not you, so you're probably going to want different things for your baby. Therefore, here is a handy list of questions to ask yourself as a process of figuring out what you'll need. In no particular order. I would recommend figuring out your car seat/pushchair first if you want one of these because this seems to be the most complicated and expensive item combination, and it makes sense to work out what you want/need first and then you can keep an eye out for good deals. The other things you can work out early or leave until later.

This is just for baby care, nothing relating to birth, and only items which will be immediately needed, nothing which starts later.

Sleeping:

1. Where is your baby going to sleep? At night? During the day?
2. For how long? Does your chosen item cover this, or will you need another one later?
3. Are you likely to have another baby waiting to move into the item before your first one has finished using it?
4. Does your item have any parts which can be changed if puked on? Spares are useful.
5. What's the temperature likely to be at night? How are you going to keep your baby comfortable?
6. Do you want any kind of soothing lights or sounds?
7. Will you need to monitor your baby while they're sleeping?
8. If there's a special sleeping room/area, does it need decoration?

Feeding:

1. Babies need milk. You'll need to pick a milk and a method of delivery. Bottle, breast, pump, etc.
2. Consider how this milk is produced and whether any equipment would help.
3. If you're planning to store milk, do you need the bottles to be sterile?
4. It would be useful to have some way of catching spit up.
5. What would help you to feel comfortable while feeding - at home? Out and about?
6. How/where are you planning to transport and store feeding supplies?

Nappies:

1. How are you going to deal with pee and poo?
2. What are you going to use to clean your baby?
3. What will you do with used nappies? Do you need anything to facilitate this?
4. Where are you going to deal with changing/toileting at home?
5. Where will you store nappies, wipes etc ready to use?
6. What will you do differently when out, and how will you transport anything you need?

Transport/parking:

1. If you need to put the baby down when you're at home, where will you put him/her?
2. When you go out, will you use a car? (If yes, you need a car seat.)
3. How will you transport the baby when not in the car? BTW, carrying the car seat is awkward except over short distances.
4. Are there special situations which may require different options?
5. Will cold, heat, sun or bugs be likely to be a problem? How will you protect your baby?
6. What if you need to put the baby down when you're out?

Clothing:

1. What do "baby clothes" mean to you - little sleepers or mini real person clothes?
2. Is your baby likely to be small (buy mostly newborn), large (buy 0-3 months) or average (a couple of newborn things, mainly 0-3 months)?
3. How many will you need of different items assuming the baby might dirty their clothing a couple of times a day, and remembering you will be tired and disorganised?
4. Where are you going to dress your baby?
5. Where will you store their clothes?
6. Are there seasonal clothes needed, e.g. sun protection, warm clothing?
7. Do you want different clothes for them to sleep in?

Washing:

1. Where will you wash your baby?
2. What will you need to wash them with?
3. How will you safely dry them?

Health:

1. How will you cut their nails?
2. Will you start to acclimatise them to the idea of a toothbrush?
3. Do you prefer to have medication available for e.g. nappy rash, pain/fever, allergies, or buy when needed?
4. How will you determine if they have a fever?
5. Do you know how and when to contact a doctor?
6. Is sun protection or bug repellent required and recommended for their age?

Entertainment:

1. Are there any specific situations around the house you would like to entertain your baby, e.g. when having their nappy/clothes changed, or when waking up alone?
2. Is there anything you've seen and thought "That looks cute, I really want to have that?"

Behind the scenes on the "Dice" post

I had a bit of fun with my last post, trying to fit the story of the odds of each stage of conception into a Dungeons-and-Dragons type dice game, but I wanted to write out the thinking and the figures behind it too. It's not hugely scientific, of course. I've used as accurate figures as I could find to squeeze into the format, but the idea behind the whole exercise was just to say, basically, most of this is down to chance. You can get everything "right" and still get crappy rolls. You can do everything "wrong" and get perfect 20s every time. And hopefully it helps you see - if you keep running the scenario enough times, most people will eventually get through it successfully even if it takes a while.

Chapter 1: Timing

I picked a title for this which I hope hinted that I feel like it's really the biggest myth in TTC going. This is all you hear - it's all about the timing, it's all about hitting those right days. Pinpointing ovulation is essential! Pee on ALL OF THE STICKS.

Yeah, no. Calm down. It's okay. The average woman's cycle is anywhere from 24 - 32 days long. The fertile period is 5 days regardless of cycle length, which means you're fertile for anywhere between 15-20% of your cycle, or 17-25% if you discount your period days. That means that even if you have sex totally at random, you still have around a 1-in-5 chance of hitting the fertile period totally by accident. In fact, if you're counting "at random" as being "When we feel like it" you probably have a higher chance than 1 in 5, because women produce hormones around ovulation time which not only make them more easily aroused, they also produce extra pheromones which make them more attractive to men. So you're both more likely to get horny around ovulation time anyway.

I added some bonuses for various methods of tracking, I didn't weight them, because they stack. I decided on a max of 15 rolls because some research shows that sperm is stronger when there are 48 hours between ejaculations.

The takeaway: Most couples don't need to time sex or obsess over when they are ovulating. It can be useful to track if your opportunities for having sex are really slim or (obviously) if you're inseminating manually. And of course, it can be fun/interesting to track and it can help to date a pregnancy more accurately, but it's definitely not as essential as people make it out to be. If it's stressing you out, it's okay to stop worrying about it.

Chapter 2: Conception

The second stage is pretty easy to pass. If you reach the right timing, sperm have a fairly unhindered journey to the fallopian tubes. If you have a lot of EWCM/fertile mucous then this is helped. If you don't, you might want to try using sperm-friendly lube. Hence the bonus cancels this penalty.

Chapter 3: Implantation

Arguably the most important stage. It's definitely the hardest to pass. There's not a huge amount you can do to help this, but taking vitamins IS proven to have an effect, so go for it. This is probably the main cause of that overall statistic that only 20-25% of couples actively trying for a baby will get pregnant each cycle they try. If you fail at this one - bad luck! Try again from the start and see how many imaginary cycles it takes.

Chapter 4: Chemical Pregnancy

I deliberated over whether to include this, because there's some question over how often it happens or whether it even really exists or where the line falls between chemical and early miscarriage. But it's so often talked about that I decided it was worth including. I made it totally random because I couldn't find any research or statistics over correlated factors, but the figure is as accurate as I could find.

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So, that's everything. I hope you had fun running the simulation. Let me know if there's anything else you'd include in the calculations!

The Dice of Conception

Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?

Are you a little bit (or a lot, we don't mind) geeky or nerdy?

Do you love stats? Do you have a collection of dice?

Then our story into the odds of conception can begin.

Ensure you are sitting comfortably. This campaign should be played as a couple. (Convenient dice rollers can be found online). The game can be repeated for each cycle until success is gained or participants become weary.

If you don't know what this post is, or you want to see the behind-the-scenes first, see this post.

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Chapter 1: The Great Myths of Time

Be afeared, for the timing of conception is fragile and mysterious. Many days must the deed be done to ensure correct positioning of the spermatozoa for successful conception. Missing even one day is a mistake with harsh consequences. You have been warned.

Participants may consult the Oracle of the Female Body or the sacred Texts of Knowing in order to increase their odds.

Roll a d10 for every day you have sex/inseminate this cycle. You may roll up to 15 times.

+1 boost for each type of knowledge of determining fertile time:
BBT monitoring
Cervical fluid monitoring
Cervical position monitoring
Ovulation Tests
Counting days (in any form including charting other signs)
- 1 penalty for the female partner being under severe stress or ill
- 5 penalty, overriding all other bonuses/penalties if anovulatory cycle is confirmed.

To pass: At least one roll with a score of 9 or higher. Multiple passes do not confer extra bonuses.

Chapter 2: A Hostile Journey

Congratulations, faithful child-seekers, for you have passed the first boundary to success. The spermatozoan tribes must now make their way through a hostile environment to the Tunnels of Fallopia, where they may rest a spell. Second, you must achieve conception; the miraculous fusing of sperm and egg. Healthy troops are important, and a clear path can be set with fluids of fertility.

Roll 1 d10 to determine whether the sperm successfully meet with the egg.

-3 penalty for known low sperm count or motility
-1 penalty for low/no egg white cervical mucous
+1 bonus for using sperm-friendly lube

To pass: A score of 3 or higher.

Chapter 3: To Burrow into a Womb

The egg has successfully been fertilised, like the bountiful ground - but the couple may not yet rejoice, for an arable pasture in the womb must now be sought. The health of spermatozoa and ovum are crucial to this stage, so participants with a known sickness in their ancestors must accept a penalty; whereas participants who partake of the sacred herbs will find a clear benefit.

Roll 1 d20 to determine whether implantation is successful.

-3 penalty for each partner being a known carrier of miscarriage or infertility causing genetic disorder
+1 bonus to each partner taking fertility vitamins proven to affect the quality of sperm/eggs.

To pass: A score of 14 or higher.

Chapter 4: The Chemical Boss

The positive omen on the rod of passing water has been received and there is much rejoicing in the couple's household. However, the conception journey is sadly not at a safe end. Mercifully, the monster of chemical origins is weak, and can often be passed without incident.

Roll 1 d6 to determine whether you avoid a chemical pregnancy.

To pass: A score of 2 or higher.



Photo credit: pathlost on Flickr

Why do some women get early positive pregnancy tests, while others have to wait?

This is a question I've seen a lot on TTC forums and also wondered myself. Now I understand the process behind it, I thought it might be useful to explain it to others.

So, why do some women get positive pregnancy tests as early as 10 or even 9 dpo (days post ovulation), around 5 days before a missed period, while others can have their expected period date sail by with no sign on any tests, putting them horribly into the dreaded limbo - not confirmed pregnant, not confirmed non-pregnant, what is this, Schrodinger's uterus?

As it turns out, there are several factors at play.

1. Base hCG level.

A hCG level of 5 or higher is considered a sign of pregnancy. But most women produce a small amount of hCG all the time. Just somewhere under 5. Because hCG increases by doubling, your base (non-pregnant) hCG level is fairly instrumental in how fast your hCG will reach the level that it's detectable by a test.

2. Sensitivity of the test.

There are two commonly available types of pregnancy test. Most standard tests detect hCG over 25. Some more sensitive tests will detect a level over 10. By the way, not all tests sold as "sensitive" are the more sensitive kind. Check the packaging. You're looking for "10 mIU" or "25 mIU". And these are a rough guideline - there's a margin of error.

3. Implantation timing and luteal phase length.

The body only begins to increase hCG production in response to pregnancy from the date of implantation, not the moment where sperm meets egg. Implantation normally happens around 7-10 days after ovulation. So if you're counting from ovulation, this counts. Additionally, if you have a short luteal phase, you're likely to have implantation happening towards the end of it, meaning you'll have to wait longer after a missed period to see a positive test. If you have a typical or longer luteal phase, then implantation will happen longer before the missed period and hCG might have built up enough during that point for a test to be positive on or before the missed period day. You don't need to know your luteal phase duration, but it can provide some extra information if you do know it.

4. hCG doubling time.

When you're pregnant, your body will keep doubling the amount of hCG it produces. The normal rate of doubling is anywhere from 36 to 72 hours - ie, it will take anywhere between 1.5 and 3 days for the hCG level in your body to double. Figures outside of this rate point to problems, but anything within this range is normal and healthy. In those early days of pregnancy, the numbers are so small and the days seem so long that every day counts.

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So... bring in my highly unscientific graph. This is an estimate based on figures I've tried to get as accurate as possible. It shows the hCG increase of two imaginary women, Ms. A (in pink/mauve) and Ms. B (in violet/dark blue). They both know when they ovulated and are expecting their period 14 days later, which is average.

Ms. A is lucky. She has a relatively high natural non-pregnant hCG level (4), her pregnancy implants on day 6 post ovulation, and her body starts multiplying hCG at the fastest rate. By just 8dpo, her hCG levels have reached about 11 or 12 meaning that they can already be detected on some of the most sensitive tests (shown by the orange line). This is where the claims come in that some tests can detect pregnancy from 6 days before a missed period. It's true, but not all pregnancies. If she's using a standard, less sensitive test, (yellow line) she'll have to wait a little longer, but she's still likely to get a positive result by 10dpo, four days before her missed period. And she'll keep getting positives from this day on.

Ms. B, though, is stuck in limbo. She has a lower pre-pregnancy hCG level of 1, her pregnancy doesn't implant until day 10 post ovulation, and her hCG is slower to multiply. Her pregnancy is still perfectly healthy, but she'll see her expected period date come and go and keep getting negatives until possibly five days later when she might get a faint line on a sensitive test, she'll have to wait another day or two for a clear one, and a full ten days after her expected period date until she gets a positive on a standard test.

Of course, these are two extremes of the scale. Most women will fall somewhere in between these examples and additionally not everyone gets their period exactly 14 days after they ovulate. Plus, just to make things even more complicated, the tests aren't exactly accurate to the 10 or 25 mIU hCG level either... the point is, there is a huge variance on when different women get a positive pregnancy test result. Don't panic if you don't have one. You are not out of the race until you get your period.

Bonus question: Does the darkness of the line matter? Should my tests be getting steadily darker?

It does... and it doesn't. If you're somewhere on the cusp of the level of hCG the test can detect then you'll get a faint result, sometimes barely even visible (often referred to as a "squinter"). This will tend to get darker as you get closer to the amount of hCG the test is designed to detect but remember that the time your hCG is increasing can be incredibly slow, so it's not an issue if your tests don't get darker straight away, plus they can sometimes get lighter if you happen to pick up another test which isn't as sensitive.

Also, once you've reached the amount of hCG the test detects that's all you'll get. A darker line doesn't mean you have a much higher number, it is more likely to be based on things like the amount of pigment in the ink or the diluteness of your urine. You'll normally find that the test line is lighter than the control line even when you know you have hCG levels above the threshold for the test.

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Texts

The biggest geek is now eight, and we thought it was time that we stop pretending the tablet he's on 99% of the time is a "family tablet" and just buy him his own. (This means I have inherited the family one, which is great, because now I can watch Netflix in bed again. Winning!)

And then we figured that as he is sometimes home alone, it might be useful, in addition to having the option to call us (which only works one way, and is only supposed to be for emergencies or urgent things) if he could text us as well, so I installed Skype on his tablet, and set it up for instant messaging with strict instructions not to add any contacts without asking us first.

Of course, the first day of this was a constant stream of dancing turkey emoticons and apparently they have a thing called Moji which is basically a reaction gif with sound, he also had to show me every single one of those.

But, I used it usefully for the first time today. He wasn't home alone but I was at work late and I was worried that I might forget to order his next week's school lunches by Thursday, so I wrote them all out and sent them to him with instruction to pick and reply while I was at work.

He wrote back this:

Monday  spaghetti Tuesday chicken gnocchi Wednesday beef of course why lentil soup (puke) paprika the other one is also (puke) pancakes pancakes pancakes

[Moji of two minions saying "Yay!"]

(The "(puke)" is a little animated puking emoticon)

OMG. I love it. I just love it. I guess that I didn't think this would be such a big moment for me, but I have wished that I could text him since... probably when he was in the womb. I know it makes me sound like such a stereotype but I think that you get a real sense of someone with this kind of instant, text based communication. And, yeah, his punctuation needs work. But that's another reason this is fun!

Square Pegs in Round Holes

At my son's kindergarten, the children were recently asked to pick between two sports activities: dancing and football. (You can see where this is going, huh?) He doesn't like football, but does like dancing, so he made the logical choice and chose dancing. Everything was fine and he carried on, not minding that he was the only boy in a group of seven girls, until they did the dance "show" and he was asked to come in as a prince because all of the girls were being princesses. Show me any boy (or girl), anywhere, who has ever dreamed of being a prince! Could they not have had a little more imagination and asked them to come in as animals or something? Anyway, luckily we had a suit which he'd worn to a wedding, so we dressed him up (he looked very "Riverdance") and he went along, but it seemed like something changed that day, because a few days later he said "I don't want to do dancing any more. I wish I'd've picked football."

I felt sad for him. Okay, maybe he didn't change what he wanted to do because of peer pressure telling him "This is a girls' thing, and you're not a girl", perhaps he just thought football looked more fun, or he liked it after the world cup, or he just wanted a change. But I couldn't help but thinking that he is a square peg and it's such a shame that he is expected to fit into a round hole, he doesn't understand why (I don't understand why!), but he knows that he should do something different. Then I thought, you know what, my kid isn't the only special and different and awesome kid. They are ALL like this. Every child starts off as a square peg, and every incident like this, every laugh, every word goes to shave a bit off the corners of that peg until they fit into the accepted, normal, comfortable circular hole. And why?! How much do they lose, do we all lose? Circles don't fit together that well anyway. With squares you can stack them all up with no waste. We fit and work better together when we are all individuals. How could we not? The whole world benefits when people are individual and have their own different and new ideas.

That said, I'm not going to push him to stick with dancing. He has to make his own choice about that. But I will continue to reinforce that there is no such thing as "girl activities" and "boy activities".

Is anger always bad?

Anger is a funny thing, really. For little boys it's something we're told to channel, into sports or “outdoor play” or video games or any number of alternative routes for the evil anger to escape by, lest it take over our small people and turn them into violent thugs by the time they reach adolescence.

For girls, it's different, the message that we get from society is that girls shouldn't be angry, at all. In the same way that “boys don't cry”, nice girls don't scream, shout or show any traces of anger at all. Girls are socialised to swallow their anger, often turning it inwards, a pattern which continues into adulthood – women reading this, have you ever felt annoyed with yourself when something didn't go right, even if you know logically that it wasn't your fault?

Anger can feel like a really scary thing, especially if you grew up being told that you shouldn't feel it at all in the first place, or that it needed to be channelled, and let out in some controlled way before it took over. It is especially frightening if you grew up in an abusive household, or have experienced domestic violence from a partner. The truth is that anger CAN make us feel out of control, it can fuel aggression and it can cause you to do or say things that you'd never do when you weren't feeling angry. But, I don't think we need to be scared of it.

What is anger really, when we strip away what it's not? It's not aggression, it's not violence, it's not losing control. It doesn't cause any of those things, it's one factor, sure, but it's not some big, scary and negative thing all on its own. Anger is being unhappy about something which is out of your control. Anger is feeling injustice. Anger is standing up and saying “Hey, this is wrong”. Acting on your anger is hoping that somebody hears you. The thought that nobody is hearing you, that is the scary part, but the aggression, the hurtfulness, all of those negative things we associate with anger, I don't think that is anger, it's desperation. You can be angry about something and feel totally calm.

Maybe instead of ignoring our kids' anger and hoping it goes away, trying to avoid it or trying to channel it off into some other source, or teaching them to squash it down, we need to teach them firstly, some better communicative strategies to be heard (because, usually, screaming your anger in somebody's face isn't the best way to endear them to your cause) but also how to deal with those times when their anger won't be heard. Because it won't always be, and that's hard to deal with without going into the desperation mode. Children have quite a lot of things in their lives which are out of their control. It's quite normal and healthy for them to feel angry about some of them. Something that is really hard to keep a handle on when you are an adult and have probably got quite good at the communication thing is that children of all ages, from newborn to teenagehood, are really really bad at communication in general. Oh, they may fool us by being all articulate and grown up and worldly about some things but startlingly often, they just revert to that base line of “Nobody is hearing and understanding what I want to say”, anger turns to desperation very very quickly and they turn to those desperation tactics to get someone to JUST SEE.

This is one reason why validation works really well for toddlers having tantrums. Saying “Yes I know. Mummy is being really unfair making you sit in your car seat when you want to sit somewhere else. And the straps are yucky and they hurt your stomach when you pull at them like that.” helps because they are being heard. Okay, it doesn't make a difference to what you're going to do about it, but just being listened to and understood is enough sometimes to keep that anger at a manageable, okay level instead of rising up to desperation and I-am-going-to-scream-all-the-way-home level.

I think when you get down to the bones of it, anger is actually quite a positive emotion to feel. It's about getting down to the bare bones of what is wrong in your life, and wanting to stand up and change that. It's brave to admit that you are angry about something, especially if you choose to deal with it in a constructive rather than a destructive way. A constructive way might be talking to somebody about how you feel, writing a letter, sending the letter, not sending it, writing a letter and then destroying it, starting an online petition (Just look at the twitter petition which was started this week, all by one woman who felt angry about something which was out of her control!) “being the change you wish to see in the world”, making a small change if you can't make a big change, accepting that something is temporary, accepting that something is the way it is and changing your perspective, writing a blog, praying, shouting into a pillow, finding an open space and telling the sky, singing your heart out, rebelling in small ways, talking to someone who is not the highest authority (older sibling, class teacher, local MP), finding someone else who feels like you do and making them feel less alone, making art, making future plans, looking at the bigger picture, counting to 10 and realising it's not that big a deal, deciding to put it down to experience and make different choices next time, talking to someone who can't talk back (your dog, your teddy, a photograph), playing out the scenario in your head in the way you want it to go, and finally and most importantly for children, always asking for help.