Is anger always bad?

Anger is a funny thing, really. For little boys it's something we're told to channel, into sports or “outdoor play” or video games or any number of alternative routes for the evil anger to escape by, lest it take over our small people and turn them into violent thugs by the time they reach adolescence.

For girls, it's different, the message that we get from society is that girls shouldn't be angry, at all. In the same way that “boys don't cry”, nice girls don't scream, shout or show any traces of anger at all. Girls are socialised to swallow their anger, often turning it inwards, a pattern which continues into adulthood – women reading this, have you ever felt annoyed with yourself when something didn't go right, even if you know logically that it wasn't your fault?

Anger can feel like a really scary thing, especially if you grew up being told that you shouldn't feel it at all in the first place, or that it needed to be channelled, and let out in some controlled way before it took over. It is especially frightening if you grew up in an abusive household, or have experienced domestic violence from a partner. The truth is that anger CAN make us feel out of control, it can fuel aggression and it can cause you to do or say things that you'd never do when you weren't feeling angry. But, I don't think we need to be scared of it.

What is anger really, when we strip away what it's not? It's not aggression, it's not violence, it's not losing control. It doesn't cause any of those things, it's one factor, sure, but it's not some big, scary and negative thing all on its own. Anger is being unhappy about something which is out of your control. Anger is feeling injustice. Anger is standing up and saying “Hey, this is wrong”. Acting on your anger is hoping that somebody hears you. The thought that nobody is hearing you, that is the scary part, but the aggression, the hurtfulness, all of those negative things we associate with anger, I don't think that is anger, it's desperation. You can be angry about something and feel totally calm.

Maybe instead of ignoring our kids' anger and hoping it goes away, trying to avoid it or trying to channel it off into some other source, or teaching them to squash it down, we need to teach them firstly, some better communicative strategies to be heard (because, usually, screaming your anger in somebody's face isn't the best way to endear them to your cause) but also how to deal with those times when their anger won't be heard. Because it won't always be, and that's hard to deal with without going into the desperation mode. Children have quite a lot of things in their lives which are out of their control. It's quite normal and healthy for them to feel angry about some of them. Something that is really hard to keep a handle on when you are an adult and have probably got quite good at the communication thing is that children of all ages, from newborn to teenagehood, are really really bad at communication in general. Oh, they may fool us by being all articulate and grown up and worldly about some things but startlingly often, they just revert to that base line of “Nobody is hearing and understanding what I want to say”, anger turns to desperation very very quickly and they turn to those desperation tactics to get someone to JUST SEE.

This is one reason why validation works really well for toddlers having tantrums. Saying “Yes I know. Mummy is being really unfair making you sit in your car seat when you want to sit somewhere else. And the straps are yucky and they hurt your stomach when you pull at them like that.” helps because they are being heard. Okay, it doesn't make a difference to what you're going to do about it, but just being listened to and understood is enough sometimes to keep that anger at a manageable, okay level instead of rising up to desperation and I-am-going-to-scream-all-the-way-home level.

I think when you get down to the bones of it, anger is actually quite a positive emotion to feel. It's about getting down to the bare bones of what is wrong in your life, and wanting to stand up and change that. It's brave to admit that you are angry about something, especially if you choose to deal with it in a constructive rather than a destructive way. A constructive way might be talking to somebody about how you feel, writing a letter, sending the letter, not sending it, writing a letter and then destroying it, starting an online petition (Just look at the twitter petition which was started this week, all by one woman who felt angry about something which was out of her control!) “being the change you wish to see in the world”, making a small change if you can't make a big change, accepting that something is temporary, accepting that something is the way it is and changing your perspective, writing a blog, praying, shouting into a pillow, finding an open space and telling the sky, singing your heart out, rebelling in small ways, talking to someone who is not the highest authority (older sibling, class teacher, local MP), finding someone else who feels like you do and making them feel less alone, making art, making future plans, looking at the bigger picture, counting to 10 and realising it's not that big a deal, deciding to put it down to experience and make different choices next time, talking to someone who can't talk back (your dog, your teddy, a photograph), playing out the scenario in your head in the way you want it to go, and finally and most importantly for children, always asking for help.