Be a Leader

There are a few different schools of thought on this, but something I have been musing lately and I wanted to share.

I have heard some people describe an authoritative style of parenting as being a "benevolent dictator". This is the one where you are in control, and the children are expected to, basically, do as they are told with very little questioning or talking back etc.

This doesn't really work for me, and I suspect a lot of others, because it relies on power as a form of control. I'm big, you're little, and what I say goes because I know best. Which is fine, until you get into a power struggle. The authoritarian approach here, of course, is to win that power struggle no matter what because all power struggles threaten the overall structure of the relationship and to lose control is the ultimate failure.

The problem is, if you reject this, or decide that you don't always know better than your children, or some arguments/questions are okay, it is easy to think that the alternative is to be on a level with your children, like peers or equals. And this works brilliantly, as long as the child is in a co-operative mood, and you can always let the small stuff go... until you really need to do something urgent and boring and adult, like get to an important appointment on time or go to the supermarket to buy food for lunch because all you have in the house is a mouldy cucumber and three crackers, or clean up because there is now a mixture of cereal, crayons and some unidentified substance being ground into the carpet. Then, being on a level with them doesn't really work so well, because they react childishly (of course, they are children) and parents end up reacting in (mostly) one of three ways:

1. You retaliate childishly also, which winds you both up more. You end up on their level either having a teenage argument/slanging match, or come dangerously close to a sibling fight. You forget that they are a child and you are an adult and end up hurting them with words or deeds.

2. You start to panic and revert to authoritative-parenting mode because the equal-parenting mode isn't working. In an effort to regain control you start threatening, shouting or punishing. Because the authoritative is not your usual stance they don't take this seriously, or push harder to see what will happen (or because it is frightening for them to see the boundary wildly change and bend and move like this). You end up doling out a huge threat/punishment/telling off which is wildly disproportionate to the original crime, and then feel guilty.

3. You dissolve into a heap of self pity because your child never listens and you are clearly terrible as a parent and nothing ever seems to work the way that it is supposed to. You feel totally at a loss to make them understand and feel like a failure as a parent.

Sound familiar? I've done all three, so I can assure you you are not alone!

What I have realised recently is that there is in fact a role in between these two, a gentle, calm, compassionate leader. It didn't really occur to me - I had been swinging wildly from attempted authoritarian to best friend and it just didn't work. Now I find if I feel myself losing control I just have to remind myself in my head of this cool, confident leader position and somehow it comes out of my mouth and it isn't scary being in charge any more, and more to the point, my son really responds positively to it.

The way to think about it is this - have you ever worked in a place where the boss was really distant, and made a lot of orders without really engaging with the staff, who would never dream of doing the jobs they liked to delegate, and who expected total compliance? And have you ever worked in a place where the boss is genuinely warm and friendly, who mucks in, who is happy to listen to suggestions, who supports the notion that the whole team is in it together and is responsible collectively for the success of the operation? I know which boss I would be more productive for, more inclined to fulfil over and above their requests rather than doing the basics (and trying to wriggle out of things!)

Obviously, this is a big exaggeration and I don't wish to claim that parents who have a more authoritative style are cold and distant, because in the main they are not. But I find that remembering my old, kind manager who used to help out with even the most drudging of jobs, who wasn't afraid to make a cup of tea for everyone, really helps. And then the other part of seeing yourself as a leader comes in when you remember that actually, although children can be trusted to know their own minds on some issues, on others you are the expert in relative terms, you have the benefit of age, maturity and experience and you can be confident in your expectations of what is reasonable.

If you want to start leading and guiding instead of ordering, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... has some great suggestions for children of about age 4+ but even general things like talking in a confident rather than desperate manner, trying to manage things before they are totally unmanageable, being aware of the overarching big picture, and making statements rather than requests or giving options really help. If being authoritative scares you more than it scares your children, try being a leader instead. It is far less scary!