5 Principles of Respectful Parenting

I just want to collate some things here, for the time being. This might end up being long but hopefully will be a fairly helpful list to refer back to, principles of (how I interpret) what might be called Unconditional Parenting, Taking Children Seriously or Gentle Discipline. Basically, principles of parenting where you don't resort to carrot and stick type behaviours.

It seems pointless (IMO) calling it "gentle parenting" because all this conjures up is images of wishy-washy parents telling their precious first born "please don't do that" in a soft voice while their child terrorises half of the playgroup. You can be as firm/strict as you like, it's just a different approach. UP and TCS are book titles so I won't use them.

1. Punishments are not always bad.

Sounds totally non intuitive, I know considering the whole selling point of UP and the like is the concept of parenting without using punishments or rewards. The point is that punishment for punishment's sake is what's bad, or counterproductive, at least. Try to ask yourself before you threaten or impose something:

Is this helping the immediate situation, or preventing the situation from reoccurring?
If yes, then it's probably necessary. If you prefer, you can think of it as a safety measure rather than a punishment. An exception might be, for example, if it was a first occurrence and you think your child would be able to self-police in future, and it is safe to let them do so.

Is this helping my child learn what's actually wrong with what they did?
Expecting your children to blindly follow rules is not respectful or helpful to them. Part of bringing up a human who has a good sense of self-worth, of right and wrong, is about learning why we have rules and what they are there for. Is it helpful in this way, or is it just teaching them "I shouldn't do X because something bad will happen to me."

Is this helping make things right? 
This is a tricky one, because sometimes making amends should not be forced. I don't agree with forced apologies, for example, or insisting a child hugs another who they've just hurt "to make them feel better". I think that apologies should come from the heart and if they're not ready or willing to do that, then you offer one in their place if appropriate. Sorry doesn't always make everything better, anyway. However, it's fair to insist that an item which was broken, lost or stolen ought to be replaced, if possible, and I'm sure there are other situations where this one does work, but generally it's best if it comes from the child themselves.

Is this just to make *me* feel better?
Which leads me neatly onto point two...

2. Don't take it personally.

When your child is playing up, it's not because they are out to get you, and it's probably not a power battle, despite what all the expert opinions seem to be. They are reacting in the way they are reacting because that is the best way they know to deal with that situation, whatever it might be.

Even if they've done something deliberately hurtful or spiteful, look for the reason behind that - it's more likely to be a misguided attempt to express an emotion, e.g. anger, jealousy, upset, and it's possible to convey "Actually, that isn't acceptable" at the same time as dealing with the feeling behind the actions - in fact it's often more important to deal with the feeling first and the action later, especially if you're feeling you want them to suffer, "pay" or feel bad for what they've done. You can't induce guilt by lashing out, it's more likely to induce resentment.

Emotions are hard to deal with, and can be overwhelming especially during the hormone surges of toddlerdom and adolescence, so try to cut them some slack. Even adults react emotionally to situations sometimes where they know they ought to stay calm. Remember also that young children often struggle to prioritise, so something which seems silly to make a fuss about to you might be the most important thing to them right at that moment. In older children, overreactions to small things can be an indicator of underlying stresses or sometimes hormone driven - puberty can start at around nine.

3. Show them what you want.

Both at crisis point and in everyday life, so, again, something often considered a punishment e.g. time out can work well here as long as you aren't threatening it or attaching negative connotations to it - just showing them "You are angry/excited/silly/winding each other up and I need you to take a breather" until they can do that for themselves. Or whatever anger-management technique works for them at that time - my son used to quite like being encouraged to throw a soft toy really hard at the wall to show me how cross he was. Other children respond well to being asked to draw their feelings.

In everyday life - model the behaviour that you want. If you slip into something you don't want them to model, like shouting, apologise as soon as you realise even if it's after the fact. Respond if they ask you to stop shouting, and own it, don't make them responsible for it (by saying things like "If you'd just listen, I wouldn't have to shout". Grown ups screw up too, and they need to see you swallow your pride and deal with that graciously if they are to learn to do the same.

Listen to their requests and acknowledge them (which doesn't mean you always agree) if you want them to listen to you, don't belittle their feelings if you want them to be empathetic, say please and thank you and sorry. (As an aside, "Thank you for..." is helpful if you're trying to avoid stock praise like "Good girl") Negotiate but be firm. It's good for them to see you sticking to your boundaries!

4. Be specific with instructions.

This is more of a 3b, technically. I've separated it because it seemed like a separate point. You can start even when they're tiny, not just saying "No" but "careful" or "hot" or "don't touch" and when they get a bit older trying to stick to the positive instruction like "Stay on the path" rather than "Don't go on the road" - it's also more instructive since not being on the road could mean the kerb is okay, or the grass, or that little low wall (which might actually be okay but you can negotiate easier if you're starting from a position of nowhere but the pavement.) So again, focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. It can also help especially with toddlers to instruct in advance/tell them what to expect, e.g. saying a few minutes before you get to a busy road that when you get there, they will need to go in the pushchair.

5. Look past the immediate behaviour.

This links back to all of the previous points, really. You can't take any behaviour as isolated, because it doesn't happen in a vacuum. Try to take into account all factors - immediate environmental ones, is it worse when they are tired/hungry/hot, do you react in a certain way when you are tired/hungry/hot too? Is there something going on which is worrying them - even if it seems unrelated? Are there hormones jumping around (puberty, toddlerdom, menstruation, relationship stuff - with teenagers) on either side of this interaction? Is the behaviour coming from an outside influence, either something they're copying or being pressured to do? (Look at your own actions here too). Are your expectations just too high?

Not all of these will excuse behaviour but they should help you work out the best way to approach it, using the other principles.