Is anger always bad?

Anger is a funny thing, really. For little boys it's something we're told to channel, into sports or “outdoor play” or video games or any number of alternative routes for the evil anger to escape by, lest it take over our small people and turn them into violent thugs by the time they reach adolescence.

For girls, it's different, the message that we get from society is that girls shouldn't be angry, at all. In the same way that “boys don't cry”, nice girls don't scream, shout or show any traces of anger at all. Girls are socialised to swallow their anger, often turning it inwards, a pattern which continues into adulthood – women reading this, have you ever felt annoyed with yourself when something didn't go right, even if you know logically that it wasn't your fault?

Anger can feel like a really scary thing, especially if you grew up being told that you shouldn't feel it at all in the first place, or that it needed to be channelled, and let out in some controlled way before it took over. It is especially frightening if you grew up in an abusive household, or have experienced domestic violence from a partner. The truth is that anger CAN make us feel out of control, it can fuel aggression and it can cause you to do or say things that you'd never do when you weren't feeling angry. But, I don't think we need to be scared of it.

What is anger really, when we strip away what it's not? It's not aggression, it's not violence, it's not losing control. It doesn't cause any of those things, it's one factor, sure, but it's not some big, scary and negative thing all on its own. Anger is being unhappy about something which is out of your control. Anger is feeling injustice. Anger is standing up and saying “Hey, this is wrong”. Acting on your anger is hoping that somebody hears you. The thought that nobody is hearing you, that is the scary part, but the aggression, the hurtfulness, all of those negative things we associate with anger, I don't think that is anger, it's desperation. You can be angry about something and feel totally calm.

Maybe instead of ignoring our kids' anger and hoping it goes away, trying to avoid it or trying to channel it off into some other source, or teaching them to squash it down, we need to teach them firstly, some better communicative strategies to be heard (because, usually, screaming your anger in somebody's face isn't the best way to endear them to your cause) but also how to deal with those times when their anger won't be heard. Because it won't always be, and that's hard to deal with without going into the desperation mode. Children have quite a lot of things in their lives which are out of their control. It's quite normal and healthy for them to feel angry about some of them. Something that is really hard to keep a handle on when you are an adult and have probably got quite good at the communication thing is that children of all ages, from newborn to teenagehood, are really really bad at communication in general. Oh, they may fool us by being all articulate and grown up and worldly about some things but startlingly often, they just revert to that base line of “Nobody is hearing and understanding what I want to say”, anger turns to desperation very very quickly and they turn to those desperation tactics to get someone to JUST SEE.

This is one reason why validation works really well for toddlers having tantrums. Saying “Yes I know. Mummy is being really unfair making you sit in your car seat when you want to sit somewhere else. And the straps are yucky and they hurt your stomach when you pull at them like that.” helps because they are being heard. Okay, it doesn't make a difference to what you're going to do about it, but just being listened to and understood is enough sometimes to keep that anger at a manageable, okay level instead of rising up to desperation and I-am-going-to-scream-all-the-way-home level.

I think when you get down to the bones of it, anger is actually quite a positive emotion to feel. It's about getting down to the bare bones of what is wrong in your life, and wanting to stand up and change that. It's brave to admit that you are angry about something, especially if you choose to deal with it in a constructive rather than a destructive way. A constructive way might be talking to somebody about how you feel, writing a letter, sending the letter, not sending it, writing a letter and then destroying it, starting an online petition (Just look at the twitter petition which was started this week, all by one woman who felt angry about something which was out of her control!) “being the change you wish to see in the world”, making a small change if you can't make a big change, accepting that something is temporary, accepting that something is the way it is and changing your perspective, writing a blog, praying, shouting into a pillow, finding an open space and telling the sky, singing your heart out, rebelling in small ways, talking to someone who is not the highest authority (older sibling, class teacher, local MP), finding someone else who feels like you do and making them feel less alone, making art, making future plans, looking at the bigger picture, counting to 10 and realising it's not that big a deal, deciding to put it down to experience and make different choices next time, talking to someone who can't talk back (your dog, your teddy, a photograph), playing out the scenario in your head in the way you want it to go, and finally and most importantly for children, always asking for help.

Rules for Rough Play/Physical Play

I sort of made these up on the hop today, but they worked really well with a bunch of 3-5 year olds so I decided to share.

1. Look at the other person's face. Is that a happy face or a worried/scared/sad face? If it is NOT a happy face, let's stop, make sure that person is okay and see if they need a break before we carry on. Remember the golden rule - it's not fun unless everybody's having fun!

2. No holding people down/dragging them/restraining in any way that they can't easily get out of. No excuses, I don't care if it's part of the game - if they can't get away, speak or move then not only is that frightening, they can't easily tell you if they are having fun or have had enough.

3. There is always a designated "safe zone" (we used a blanket) - NO rough play is allowed at all in this zone. It is for people who want a break from the game. If you want to play the game, then go away from the safe zone. If you want a break from the game, then sit in the safe zone and nobody is allowed to touch you. You can re-join the game when you feel ready. (Hogging resources by putting them on the safe zone may also be disallowed if they need to be shared!)

This is of course aside from the usual "if somebody says stop then you must stop" but we had a lot of confusion today with children running off saying "No, don't chase me!" and gleefully looking back to check that they were, in fact, being chased. I know some people take a black and white view of this where stop/no/etc always mean no, but in my experience this just doesn't always translate to real life and a culture where much of our play (especially adult-to-child play) and humour is about kidding around and saying the opposite of what is true (I'm going to eat your toes, nom nom nom/I think this sock goes on your head, doesn't it?/etc) it can be confusing to children when some adults and children react in different ways. Plus, I don't think it's beyond them (age/development appropriately) to take notice of things like tone of voice or facial expression and I think it's important to teach this from the start, to make the focus on ensuring that the others in the game look and sound happy, rather than carrying on until there is real distress being communicated or someone is really having to shout up that it's not fun for them.

I don't personally have a problem with rough or physical play as long as these rules are being followed, the environment is appropriate and nobody is getting seriously hurt. To me it's no different from a water fight. However I don't subscribe to the view that boys somehow "need" rough play more than girls do, it's a personal preference for each child. The safe zone hopefully allows children to participate as much or as little as they want to and of course you can adjust the size and boundaries of the safe zone to suit the mixture of temperaments of children you have in the group.

Be a Leader

There are a few different schools of thought on this, but something I have been musing lately and I wanted to share.

I have heard some people describe an authoritative style of parenting as being a "benevolent dictator". This is the one where you are in control, and the children are expected to, basically, do as they are told with very little questioning or talking back etc.

This doesn't really work for me, and I suspect a lot of others, because it relies on power as a form of control. I'm big, you're little, and what I say goes because I know best. Which is fine, until you get into a power struggle. The authoritarian approach here, of course, is to win that power struggle no matter what because all power struggles threaten the overall structure of the relationship and to lose control is the ultimate failure.

The problem is, if you reject this, or decide that you don't always know better than your children, or some arguments/questions are okay, it is easy to think that the alternative is to be on a level with your children, like peers or equals. And this works brilliantly, as long as the child is in a co-operative mood, and you can always let the small stuff go... until you really need to do something urgent and boring and adult, like get to an important appointment on time or go to the supermarket to buy food for lunch because all you have in the house is a mouldy cucumber and three crackers, or clean up because there is now a mixture of cereal, crayons and some unidentified substance being ground into the carpet. Then, being on a level with them doesn't really work so well, because they react childishly (of course, they are children) and parents end up reacting in (mostly) one of three ways:

1. You retaliate childishly also, which winds you both up more. You end up on their level either having a teenage argument/slanging match, or come dangerously close to a sibling fight. You forget that they are a child and you are an adult and end up hurting them with words or deeds.

2. You start to panic and revert to authoritative-parenting mode because the equal-parenting mode isn't working. In an effort to regain control you start threatening, shouting or punishing. Because the authoritative is not your usual stance they don't take this seriously, or push harder to see what will happen (or because it is frightening for them to see the boundary wildly change and bend and move like this). You end up doling out a huge threat/punishment/telling off which is wildly disproportionate to the original crime, and then feel guilty.

3. You dissolve into a heap of self pity because your child never listens and you are clearly terrible as a parent and nothing ever seems to work the way that it is supposed to. You feel totally at a loss to make them understand and feel like a failure as a parent.

Sound familiar? I've done all three, so I can assure you you are not alone!

What I have realised recently is that there is in fact a role in between these two, a gentle, calm, compassionate leader. It didn't really occur to me - I had been swinging wildly from attempted authoritarian to best friend and it just didn't work. Now I find if I feel myself losing control I just have to remind myself in my head of this cool, confident leader position and somehow it comes out of my mouth and it isn't scary being in charge any more, and more to the point, my son really responds positively to it.

The way to think about it is this - have you ever worked in a place where the boss was really distant, and made a lot of orders without really engaging with the staff, who would never dream of doing the jobs they liked to delegate, and who expected total compliance? And have you ever worked in a place where the boss is genuinely warm and friendly, who mucks in, who is happy to listen to suggestions, who supports the notion that the whole team is in it together and is responsible collectively for the success of the operation? I know which boss I would be more productive for, more inclined to fulfil over and above their requests rather than doing the basics (and trying to wriggle out of things!)

Obviously, this is a big exaggeration and I don't wish to claim that parents who have a more authoritative style are cold and distant, because in the main they are not. But I find that remembering my old, kind manager who used to help out with even the most drudging of jobs, who wasn't afraid to make a cup of tea for everyone, really helps. And then the other part of seeing yourself as a leader comes in when you remember that actually, although children can be trusted to know their own minds on some issues, on others you are the expert in relative terms, you have the benefit of age, maturity and experience and you can be confident in your expectations of what is reasonable.

If you want to start leading and guiding instead of ordering, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... has some great suggestions for children of about age 4+ but even general things like talking in a confident rather than desperate manner, trying to manage things before they are totally unmanageable, being aware of the overarching big picture, and making statements rather than requests or giving options really help. If being authoritative scares you more than it scares your children, try being a leader instead. It is far less scary!