Nobody ever tells you, before you become a parent, that over the first few years of your child's life you will become horribly and irrevocably obsessed with poo.
We've all seen them, sure, the facebook posts proudly announcing that someone's little darling has produced a giant turd that morning in the exact shape of Daddy's foot, hopefully without an accompanying picture, and I expect that most people have exactly the same response to this kind of thing. "Thanks for that. I really enjoyed the mental image while eating my lunch." And we vow, silently, that if we ever have kids, we will Not Be Like That.
Except, then, you go to your antenatal classes, and one of the first things that gets handed to you is a handy guide to all the different colours and flavours of your forthcoming newborn's poo. And you think nothing of this, because at this point all you can possibly think about is the birth and the fact this person with a gigantic head is going to somehow have to come out. So we forget about poo for now. And when the baby is born, we deal with the meconium with horror and then generally put it behind us and think "Thank god that's over!" and then go about our lives happily without a single poo-related thought polluting our minds.
Until. The baby group where another anxious mother is concerned that her baby's poo is perhaps too green. Too green? You wonder, and so you listen and come to learn that Green Poo is a terrible symptom of all sorts in babies, particularly breastfed babies, and can be caused by eating too much garlic*, drinking fizzy drinks**, or your breastmilk being "wrong", too much foremilk, or not enough foremilk***, and it can be a sign of diarrhoea, and suddenly you become infected with the Poo Obsession.
There are the green ones. There are the saved-up ones, where the baby waits for six, seven, eight days and you're on tenterhooks waiting for the inevitable poonami to strike, usually on a really hard to clean piece of furniture. Then there are the weaning ones. Sweetcorn, peas, gruesome but inevitable. Bits of undigested carrot, lovely. The banana "worms". (OH GOD.) But you get used to all of this, and even the meat ones no longer faze you, and then you come to potty training, which is pretty much where we are now. My son has just started doing his poos on the toilet (the final step for us - hooray!) and I am INCREDIBLY DISTURBED by them. They must be about half his bodyweight, and they're as long as his arms. But the most disturbing thing? One of them has taken up residence in my toilet and refuses to be flushed away, whatever we throw at it. It has been four days now, and it still sits there, staring at you with its one eye, and dissolving. Extremely slowly.
And I know, I KNOW. I have just done it. I've just written an entire blog post in order to express my opinion on my son's poo as though it's worthy of the interest of anybody else in the world. Don't shoot me. I'm a parent. I've been hit by the urge to discuss poo in public just like everyone else. Don't lie and say it's never happened to you, because one day, it probably will.
* Unlikely.
** No, it really can't.
*** This one's a possibility. If you are still in the worrying about green poo stage I suggest you read the Analytical Armadillo's excellent and very informative blog post on the subject, here.
